Loving Yourself to Wholeness
It was Saturday afternoon when my wife, who should have been a comedian, cracked a light-hearted joke that struck a chord in my heart. Being two and a half inches taller than me, she sometimes thinks I am vertically challenged or “short,” as most people would say. Now, at nearly 5’9”, insecurity about my height has not been much of an issue for me, but that morning, her words hit the roots of an old wound—the feeling of “not enough.”
Perhaps you’re familiar with some form of this belief. It runs deep through our culture, whether it be not being good enough, beautiful enough, strong enough, or smart enough.
If I missed any, you can insert whatever feeling of lack here __________________________
As the words hit me, my throat and chest began to tense. I wanted to run, lash back at my wife, or bury myself in work. I was in what health psychologists call a fight, flight or freeze response. However, before I reacted, I did something I had practiced a thousand times.
I took a deep breath and relaxed into the uncomfortable feeling. As I did, my thoughts slowed as I watched the rise and fall of sensations—the knots in my chest, the heat, and the pressure in my throat. At times, it felt like fire. But I did not run or play into my thoughts; I actually discarded them altogether. Because I knew that what I was feeling inside had nothing to do with the story of being “short.” I knew what was really going on was an old wound being activated—one that could have been as easily activated from failing at something new or making a meaningless mistake.
I also knew that the moment before me was an opportunity, a road to freedom if I chose to walk towards it. So there I sat, anchored in mindful awareness, and watched for 5, 10, or 30 minutes; I am not sure how long it was; sitting in the discomfort, at times, may feel like forever. But with each passing minute, the feelings of tension inside my chest lessened, and by the end of it, I could feel a spaciousness surrounding my chest and felt as if I was embraced by a loving, kind, and caring presence.
What was happening?
I was healing.
If you are human, you have no doubt experienced a version of the first part of the story. However, if you’re 6’3”, it’s unlikely that it was about being short. But perhaps something else activated an uncomfortable experience within you. Maybe it was a comment from your boss at work, or the lack of response you received from a project you worked on, or maybe even a seemingly negative look from a stranger you walked by in the street.
When these experiences happen, they can activate core wounds that have been long stored in the psyche and the body. For me, at that moment, the wound was “Not Good enough.” However, other core wounds can also be activated, such as beliefs that we are not lovable, we are stupid, and so on.
While they can happen later in our lives, more often than not, these core wounds develop in our early childhood. As children, we are so impressionable. So, if we don’t receive the love we need from a caregiver at one point in time, the belief of not being worthy of love can develop. Even an offhand remark from a tempered parent can plant negative beliefs into the subconscious mind of a child. When the hurt is so deep, these become deep-seated traumas that live within us. Without the resources to feel and move through these feelings, we get caught in a fight, flight or freeze response, and these unprocessed emotions sink into the body, only to resurface when something activates them. Thus, when the off-the-cuff remark from your boss about your lateness at work comes up, rather than viewing it as simply a comment, deep-seated, unprocessed hurts can rise to the surface.
This is well-researched in psychology and was also discovered over 2500 years ago in Buddhist and Vedic Philosophy. However, these wisdom traditions called these stored pockets of emotions ‘samskaras’, which are energetic imprints of unprocessed feelings. Just like psychologists discovered, they also found that when conditions are right, these samskaras will rise to the surface, carrying with them the same uncomfortable feeling from when they were created.
For most of us, we have not been trained to move through these uncomfortable feelings. As such, when they arise, we try to escape through many coping strategies. Or, as the psychotherapist Tara Brach coins it, escaping to “False Refuges.” They are called false refuges because they hold the illusion that they will bring us the security we are seeking. Some common false refuges are turning towards alcohol, social media, work, food, excessive exercise, or whatever false refuge we use to escape the feelings we are feeling.
Now, before I go further, there is one important point I would like to make. These coping mechanisms, especially if they are “healthy,” might not be the worst thing in the world, especially if we have not trained ourselves to face uncomfortable emotions. Numbing out on a mindless movie might not be the worst thing in the world every now and then, especially if tired and not ready to face your feelings. Diving into these feelings when we are not resourced can actually perpetuate trauma. However, it’s important to know that these coping strategies are like band-aids; they may be helpful and even necessary at the beginning, but if you want to produce deep healing, you have to let go of the band-aid and let the wound breathe in a clean and supportive environment. So now, the question is, how can we do that?
The Practice:
In many different traditions and fields of psychology, they highlight a similar step-by-step process to heal these old wounds. For example, therapist Tara Brach uses the process of RAIN with her clients, which has clients witness their negative emotions and, through mindful awareness, accept them. Similarly, Michael Singer, yogi and spiritual teacher, says we must “surrender” to the feelings that arise. Eckhart Tolle calls these stored emotions the ‘pain body’; and when it arises, we must be present and watch them. Again, on a similar note, the leadership expert Robin Sharma says AIAIA process is to accept, investigate, and realize. Byron Katie tells us to “Love what is.”
As you can see, while their language and approaches may be slightly different, essentially, each process has similar elements—a witnessing presence (not attached to the story) and consciously feeling and releasing. I like how Byron Katie adds “Love” to the equation, as I feel it is a supportive ingredient to face those uncomfortable feelings. Just as the loving attention from a friend when you are having a hard time can offer additional support, bringing the energy of love to the witnessing process of the old emotions can be an added resource when facing these old hurts.
Be Patient
Healing is a long, sometimes hard, but beautiful journey. But if we train our attention skills through mindfulness, meditation, and inquiry, we will be able to pause, feel, and allow those waves of emotion to pass through us. In the end, we will be able to face all of life’s storms with grace.
However, we must be patient with ourselves, as healing is a process, especially when working through these core wounds. The other day, I spoke with a distraught client, and they said, “Not this again!” as they referred to one of their core wounds rising to the surface again. “I thought I had dealt with this already!”
Can you relate? Have you ever felt like you have overcome a challenge, only to find it coming up a week, a month, or even years later?
If that’s the case, not to worry. It’s normal. While I am not discounting miracle healings, as I have seen them, I have found that, more often than not, healing these old hurts is a long process that takes time. We will have many rounds where the old emotions will rise to the surface, and if we are mindful and welcome them like the above-mentioned practices suggest, then a little bit of those old hurts leave us. And bit by bit, little by little, we become freer, no longer bound by past pain. As such, we can live in the beautiful present moment and create a more beautiful future. It is possible, but it takes work and time.
This heart work is sometimes hard work, but we can do it—one step and one mindful moment at a time.
P.S.: If you’d like to explore this topic further, consider reading one of the following books:
Extra Resources:
The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
True Refuge by Tara Brach
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Loving What Is by Byron Katie
P.P.S. Note: If we have not trained our muscles of mindfulness, it can be highly beneficial to have extra support, such as a meditation teacher or therapist, to hold space and be present. Just as a support beam holds up the weight of the roof of a house, a person's mindful presence can support us when we are stuck in a story, and the ground seems shaky. I’d be happy and honored to be that support for you.
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